It’s only fitting to be here this way. The way you come in is usually the way you leave the place, right? The bouncer at the club remembered me from before. He got in my face again for no reason, telling me he remembers me being trouble. I am trouble to most people. I dream a little too much, I believe a little too hard, and I never settle. It’s the ones who have nothing to lose that are the scariest right?
Sure maybe my packaging isn’t what you would assume for someone so threatening. Or maybe it is. I stand tall. I’m now old enough to be really glad that my parent’s were strict about good posture. Maybe they knew how badly I was going to need a strong backbone to face this world. I’d like to think so. I’m glad that I didn’t come from a family with tons of money. I’m glad that I got to watch them lose it all. In seeing that I learned from a young age that you can lose it all and actually lose nothing at all. I see people struggle everyday with the the realization that life is nothing like what the schools and television taught us to expect. Money is a fucking devious mistress. She’s more ugly than the thugs posted on the posters all over town. She’s the one they all wanted anyway. Or maybe they just wanted some attention? I couldn’t tell you because even though people may sometimes treat me like a thug, I am actually just a girl. I just wish people would spend more time identifying the monsters within themselves. We need to spent more time trying to find the lost child in ourselves rather than just the ones on the milk carton. Maybe that was the meaning of those things in the first place? How fucking brilliant! I like to think about things in this way. Everything. Any single thing could mean any combination of anything else. I don’t know the answers to these questions because I am not necessarily a believer of facts. Who is the authority on all of these facts anyway?
Sure I want to believe in certain things. Most of all I want to believe in myself. I hate the fact that the media and the government and society all try to suppress the beauty that is the gift of life. They feed us with things that we are supposed to know and supposed to see. People get caught up in the rapture of sensory overload that is life. I can only imagine that listening to all of this authority would be like an LSD trip with someone else driving your thoughts. That takes the whole fun and beauty out of tripping in the first place. People watch compilation videos on the internet of other humans falling and hurting themselves and they watch it as some sick form of entertainment.People are tripping up and falling all over the place in reality too.Maybe the people watching those videos are the ones who really need a hand back up? I don’t like watching people fall. I watch people fall in their minds all the time and its tragic, because a lot of them never get back up.
The pathetic truth about the bouncer at the club who is calling me trouble, remembers throwing me out for dancing. Yeah, Dancing. Dancing to live music at a place built for people to come and drink and dance to music. I like to think the thing that really angered him was the fact that I was laughing the whole time while he was carrying me out. How dare I have the nerve to laugh in the face of a man who is so much physically stronger than me. He wanted to punch me in the face. Even if he did, I would have laughed at him some more. Maybe if he spent a little less time in the gym lifting weights, he would spend more time trying to prepare himself for a beautiful girl who is crazy. No one can really prepare for that. So when people treat me like a loaded gun, I really don’t blame them because even I cannot fully understand the intense power within me yet. I can tell you though, I am not afraid. What is there to be afraid of anymore real life is so much scarier than anything beyond it could possibly be right? I mean if I can survive being in line at the bodega stoned, I can survive anything. Between the stares, and the news on the television its always a goddamn horror movie.