It has been fourteen years since I lost my virginity. Fourteen years of having passionate sex with the woman washing my plates in a rusty old sink in a rusty yellow trailer. I remember the days before I threw my flower into a pile of cow shit. It was when I was thirteen.

I was a ballsy kid. I didn’t have any fear because I was sheltered in the four walls of a rural Catholic school. The world wasn’t real to me, so the real issues that got kids underwear hiked up around their foreheads was a myth to me. Something my overbearing mother told me to scare the shit out of me. Scare me right back into the confining four walls of that rural Catholic school and off of a track to a public education. Well fuck. That worked. I became big shit because fear makes your shit little.

Yeah. I was the big shit. At least I acted that way. I still checked my self in the mirror at school, to align the pleat in my pants and the cowlick growing out of my fuzzy head.

“This looks good, Shawn.” I’d reassure myself. Since I was told I loved god for 8 years, and god was in my head; I was damn near convinced everything I’d love would be found in the ringing of my hat holder. I held full conversations with myself, in my mind’s dinning room, as Jesus sipped on a hot tea on a faded blue sofa. It was like a 50’s movie and me and Jesus were the stars.

So, I guess you can say I was weird. But today I found a friend. His name was Marco. He was the coolest not cool kid at school. He didn’t play football, but he was strong enough to beat any jock’s ass. He wasn’t a nerd, his grades were barely passing, but he was witty. The teachers hated it.

“You got an F, Marco. How did you manage that after three weeks of class where every answer was questioned by you?”

“Mrs. Sarko, I don’t give a fuck about this French class. That’s how.”

It was cocky enough that the teachers wanted to poke his protruding German eye balls out of his asshole, but at the same time loved his charm and crooked smile.

Well this kid, became my new best friend. He took me under his wing.

One night we were sitting in his attic, smoking cigarettes and listening to music when his girlfriend offered to introduce me to one of her friends. I was ecstatic. I always wanted a girl friend because Marco had one, but now I wanted it for some other reason.

I didn’t want to just hold her hand, I wanted to get laid. I now worrying about the health of my smallest team mate. Sex was something I was only told about by an uptight priest in a sixth grade health class.

“God invented penis and vagina for LOVE! Not SEX!”

But I didn’t love this girl. Hell I didn’t even know her yet. All I knew was a name. Meghan. It was beautiful. It made the transparent hairs on my balls stand up. Love came quickly when you wanted to lose your virginity. You knew you had to make “love” not “sex” so you found love fast so sex would come even faster.

Well I was 13 and in love. Smoking the butt of a cigarette through a mouth that only recently discovered the adjective noun and verb “fuck”. It was new to me, all so new. The way the snow fell on my mom’s windshield, while I snaked a few dollars from her purse on the front seat. I was golden. I was a “man” away from his god and a “boy” about to loose his virginity.

My footsteps on the snowy pavement looked like badges of honor, tracing my steps to the snowy porch of Meghan. The spot where my manhood was sealed like the icy parking tickets on the cars lining Railroad St.

I waited outside of her doorway, as her mom searched the wooden walls for her daughter, who was going to be fucked by a strange new boy on the porch. I would have smiled at the irony but the cold wind hurt my teeth.

After a moment longer of scurrying footsteps from inside the house, a tight young face poked out from behind the screen door. Her eyes were as green as the stolen bills in my pocket and her mouth smelled like Listerine.

“You must be Shawn.” She said.

It didn’t sound like my name though. I half expected some other kid to waltz up my snowy path and sweep Meghan’s supple body into the house her head now sticks out of. There’s something intrinsically odd about hearing your name come out of the mouth of the girl you lost your virginity to.

Anyway, after a moment of silence my prepubescent scrotum managed to come up with this riveting oration.


That was the only word I said for the rest of the night.

I wanted to ask her if she wanted to go get a pizza, but my tongue was too busy day dreaming about running along the pink lips of her pussy. Instead we rode the staircase into her bedroom above the living room. She jumped down on her bed and with a remote control flipped on a CD of some esoteric indie band. I recently fell in love with music, so this made me love this girl more.

Without an invitation I crawled into her bed with my shoes on. The snow dripped from the heels and mixed into the pink perfumed sprayed on her white bed sheets.

“You can take those off, ya know?” she said in a different voice then she answered the door with.

I tossed the shoes hard off of the wall across from her door and made my way deeper into the sheets. Her heart beat vibrated the pillow our heads rested on. It was like I could already feel her skin warm with my touch.

“Are you going to kiss me?” she said in the same voice she answered the door with.

My tongue uncontrollably sanded down the dry skin and dry spots on my lips. I pulled her body under mine and I began to kiss her. Soft at first. With a proper amount of tongue (as far as I’ve been told). Then I started to kiss harder. I pushed her head into mine. My sex drive into her thoughts. I rubbed up and down her leg until I felt my cock rise up under my crotch.

Next thing I remember my pants were off and hers weren’t. I tugged at her jeans to try and get them off, but my hands were still cold from the winter air. She fondled at her own pants until they were on the floor, spooning mine.

It was time. Everything I had done in the past 13 years of my life was about to pay off. Every time I dreamed about the girl in English’s tits, every time I got off to a swim suite magazine in the gym bathroom, every time I sat silent envying Marco and his girlfriend. It was now. I was about to become a man and loose my virginity.


That was it. I maybe shifted my back 10 degrees. And it was in. I was a man for a second and I only scooted forward.

That was the first of a long string of failure.